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| My 77+ Journals from 1978 to the Present |
The Wonders of the Journal
It was the Fall of 1978 and I was experiencing something new ~ connections with people my own age. We were the
blind leading the blind. Big gangs of teens roaming the streets, the malls, the city
and the bars. It was a heady time with
disco music and punk rock colliding into each other. Should we be happy or mad? We looked at each other for guidance. I soon realized that that there was no guidance
coming from my peers. My parents were
starting to go their separate ways, my brothers and sisters were sort of periphery
thoughts for me. They almost seemed
invisible as I focused on: my friends, boyfriends, “just” friends.
Realizing that
even if I did know what to ask, I didn’t have anyone who gave me answers that I
really valued or appreciated. Self-help
books were not popular yet. I didn’t
even know there were words like “Psychology” or “Philosophy”. There was no internet. Some people didn’t
even have landlines. Coffee shops were horrible places where greasy dirty food
was served. We had to meet to firm up our plans. Since we were not very organized, we just
went to the bars where we had established a friend base. From those bars we started to create our
community.
Still, with all
the friends, pub parties and dances, I still had a lot of time on my hands to think
and wonder about my newly forming social circle and the meaning of life.
One day, without much thought, I took an empty notebook and started to write in it. Something just clicked! I had an immediate positive response. Though I only wrote a page, I felt relief from my thoughts. I had no idea that I had so many thoughts swirling around in my head. The sensation was so nice, I did it again. There was nothing profound in these writings but the release of mental tension was profound.
Pretty soon I began taking my notebook with me on my walks. I would find a beautiful place, sometimes just leaning on a tree or sitting on a rock and I would write. I had this thought that writers were depressed, so I began to see myself as an angst-ridden writer from old. This phase did not last because when I wrote, I had to be honest. I could tell when I was being untrue to myself. I found when I wrote, it was like there was someone, something answering my unasked questions, giving me guidance and support. This was much needed at the time of adolescent upheaval.
I began reading about other writers when I started to identify with certain quotes I heard. Like, "People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges." By Joseph Fort Newton, a Baptist Preacher from Texas. (It's sort of interesting to me that I was in secondary school in Ireland when I read this quote and I ended up living in Texas.) This was the first quote I ever read that resonated with my spirit. The other inspirational quote I read in college. It was Rainer Maria Rilke. The quote had come from his book Letters to a Young Poet:
After Rilke, I was hooked on poetry and nature and spirituality and the quest to understand self. I read the book, The Artist's Way by Julie Cameron who suggested writing for thirty minutes a day ~ everyday! So, I did this for many years but I found that my spirit did not really work within the rules too well, so now I just write ~ no rules! My journals went from lined notebooks to sketchbooks without lines. I met a wonderful artist who encouraged me to paste things in my journal and expand my page playground.
I find that the best time to write for me is early in the morning when no one is up and the world is silent. It's sort of like meditation because I am listening to myself. I have tried writing on the computer but it does not work for me. There is something about the hand, the eye, the pen sliding on the paper which creates the alchemy of the journaling. Hand-writing is so powerful for me that I must have a pen that feels just right on the paper or the inspirations do not come. I have started to keep an "Inspiration Notebook" next to me because these amazing ideas come to me and I want to remember what they are and to follow up on them. I do not re-read my journals because 90% of it so terribly boring. Plus, the past is the past. I am nothing like my past. Each day I change. Journaling helps me to become a better person.
Sometimes I think of burning all my journals and freeing myself from the past. I am still too attached. I think about reading them all again and looking for reoccuring themes and ideas. For this reason, I keep each entry dated. I sometimes include where I am writing and recent events but other than that, I just start with the minutia of my life and work into a good one hour writing sesssion.
The whole journaling experience is a continuing journey and I complete this blog entry with the above quote from May Sarton whose writing helped me go deeper into those moments of joyful solitude. These quiet times are so precious to me. Journaling has proven to me that I am never alone because some of my inspirtations are beyond anything I could have made up in my head. How I ever picked up that notebook in 1978 was a miracle. I feel immense appreciation for the wonders of the journal and the soul. I keep writing.
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